Long time…

——Note: I originally wrote this for my livejournal, so this has been heavily modified.——

Hi again.

Let’s try to catch up. I’ve moved from Texas, to Florida, to New York, to Texas in five years. I’m much happier. MUCH happier. I always thought New York was going to be the answer to everything. I’d make more money and pay down debt (which I didn’t create) and help out my family. It wasn’t working out that way. Everything was payment to payment and for the longest time we were on the floor and hungry. Any job X or I got was some fucking shit show that we couldn’t deal with for very long. Freelancing was alright but our clients were hit or miss. We eventually got steady work, but by that point we were already looking to move to Houston.

My grandmother died a year ago in March. That’s what pushed our move date up. I came down to be with my mom and find a job and X joined about a month later. He met my parents. We talked about marriage. Mostly to make it more comfortable on my parents. The only way my parents would accept it was if he converted to Islam. X was down to do it to make everyone happy, but then somehow my parents started to try and run the show. They kept on pushing for conversion and a nikkah and all we wanted was a small court marriage. I lived with them instead of moving in with X when we got an apartment in Midtown because we weren’t married yet. Any time I came home late from work or wanted to go hang out with him over the weekend they would start giving me heat. Especially my father. One night in August I decided I was way too tired to drive back home and stayed the night at the apartment. When I came home the next day after work, I got a long lecture (more like a long berating) from my father about how I need to get married ASAP and how I’m making the family look bad.

He called me a “loose woman”. A LOOSE WOMAN for the mere fact that I had more than one man in my life before X. I tried to explain to him that I cannot deal with the horrific commute at 5pm in the blazing heat and liked to wait until traffic died down to come home. If I stayed later it was because I wanted to see X since at the time he worked at an agency that would give him so much work that he’d have 12+ hour days. I also tried to explain to him that converting to Islam is a big deal, and I don’t see why X should be forced into a religion that his future wife barely practices at all. All I got in return was more shouting and insults and I eventually just kept my mouth shut until he was done, walked into my room and simmered. I came home on time all week, packing my belongings up and transferring them to the apartment every day. When Saturday came, I piled up the rest of my things into the car I was borrowing and left completely.

That was August. I haven’t spoken to my father or brother since then. My mom called me for two minutes on my birthday but never attempted to speak to me again.

I don’t really know what to do about them at this point. I want to start talking to them again, but it’s always me that breaks down and calls. Why can’t they call me and try to reason with me? Try to see things from my side? I don’t know if I’m being stubborn like them. I don’t know if my calling them will make them think they have some sort of advantage over me. I don’t like having to even think that way about my family, but at this point, nothing that I do will make them completely happy. Should I have taken my mom’s call as a sign to get back in contact?

I spent five months living with them to make them more comfortable with X in the picture only to have them revert back to the way it was five, almost six years ago, before I moved away.

I’ve grown a lot as a person and I can honestly call myself an adult. I have a design job that I absolutely love at an amazing company that provides us with health insurance and a 401k. I work with people that I can call my friends. I make the most money I’ve ever made in my life, and can pay for my new car, insurance, all the rent for my midtown apartment + utilities on my own as well as miscellaneous bills if I wanted (it would be tight, but I can do it.) I have already been on a fully paid trip to a conference in California with my company’s design and dev departments and am getting ready for two more trips this year. I got to meet and talk shop and get drunk with industry professionals that I’ve read about and look up to. I have my two cats that I take care of and finally have a bit of a social life. I am the most complete I have ever been in my life and I still can’t just share that happiness with my parents.

I want them to be happy with me as I am. I’m tired of trying to justify myself and trying to bend to their demands. At this point, it’s my happiness or theirs (well, it’s always mine or theirs). I’m nearly 30 and getting older by the day, and they are too. I don’t want to have the next call I get be something terrible that has happened to them. With each death in the family/community/even celebrity, it’s getting clearer that they don’t have a lot of time left. I think about it every single day. Every day. I don’t know what else I can say to them to make them realize that I am who I am. I am never going to be a “good muslim woman”. I’m not going to settle down with a muslim man. IF I get married, it will be X and after what happened with them, I doubt he’ll be converting, and I don’t want him to.

Is it weird for me to still want their approval? Because as I read back on this, it seems like I just want their approval. I just really want to have a healthy relationship with them where we can all be adults and discuss life and mundane things and the cute thing our cats did today.

I miss them. I want to hug my mom and make jokes with my dad and sit around awkwardly with my brother and not be afraid to go to any family events and have a weird run in with them and get a barrage of questions from other relations.

I don’t know. All I can do is live my life the way I’ve been living it. Like I said, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and it only gets better. I’m glad to be back in my home town and make new friends. I love my job, my pets, my boyfriend/fiancé, my treehugger car (even though it can’t go long distances because of the lack of charging stations) and the friends I don’t get to see often (hint hint). I’m very grateful for every day and am very positive about everything for the most part. If someone could compare who I am today to the person I was five years ago, they’d be surprised. I’M surprised. It’s a good surprise though.

hilariousduff asked: I'm so glad you're getting married and that you have a stable job that you're happy and can eat! This is all good news :)

me too, my dearest! i’m happy about your new college bound life!!

The run-on list of life

• I’m going to get married within a couple of weeks. I’m oddly nonchalant about this but I should be scrambling about getting something to wear and at least find someone to do my henna so it can feel somewhat normal.
• My parents are getting pushy about it and saying how my spending time with X is a “burden” on them.
• Really?
• I’ve been with the guy for almost 5 years and now you’re going to worry about the burden of my possibly getting pregnant before marriage? 
• Sit down. 
• It was easy to dismiss it when I wasn’t living close by but it was still happening. It’s too late to discuss your concerns now.
• I got a new full time job. I like it a lot.
• I like the $$ more, though. I can pay the rent, bills AND eat!
• But I mean, FUCKING FINALLY, right? Fuck freelancing for people that can’t pay on time and try to haggle. Your extremely overdue payments cause me to delay making MY payments to other people and companies.
• Anyway…The day after I accepted the job I got offered a position from another company that I had been waiting on for over a month. I had to decline. Their door is still open though. Apparently.
• The CEO for my company immediately noticed the work I was doing. (:
• This 9-5 business has really opened up my schedule for other things. Or just doing nothing because I damn well please.
• We now have two kittens. Too bad I can’t tell you their super awesome names.
• Anony-kitties.
• I’ve been going out more and more guys are hitting on me than before (read: never).
• Why couldn’t this have happened when I was single? I was young, desperate for attention with a higher tolerance for bullshit because of that and had a greater appetite for alcohol. ):
• I still flirt though.
• Sorry, doesn’t mean I’m gonna fuck you.
• I’m becoming a lot more blunt apparently.
• People I was eager to hang out with are now hard to get a hold of.
• Fuck it. I’m making new friends anyway.
• No use in dwelling. I have finally come to the realization that if I dwell in the past or what could be that I will never move forward.
• A lot of people I know seem like they’re never moving forward. In fact, it looks like they’re moving backward. It’s sad because I know they’re capable of doing so much more with themselves.
• Drugs, while fun (except for that one time I did ‘shrooms), are bad.
• Kind of sad that I don’t really enjoy weed anymore.
• Probably because I smoke when I drink and that causes a bad hangover and all around not fun times.
• Alcohol though…
• Sweet tea + Lemonade + Vodka = Happy drunk from the south (me).
• Funnily enough I was introduced to that drink by a guy that was trying to pick me up.
• His face when I told him I was getting married was pretty sad though.
• Like Ralph Wiggum when his heart got broken sad.
• He calls X “Voldemort”.
• My hair is loooooong.
• I love/hate it because it looks good on me but I taking care of it is a huge mission.
• I want to ride bikes more.
• I’ve finally started to make an effort to work out.
• I’m eating better too!
• I’m on a normal sleep schedule.
• I am happy.

I want it.

I love (read: hate) how the desi solution to irresponsible males is marriage. Really? You want to subject some poor woman to a life of caring for an ungrateful, tall and hairy baby?

Fuck that.

Let those dudes fend for themselves. Or keep sucking on their mother’s tits because that shit is not right.

In the past

I had a relationship with this psychopathic boy (literally, he had problems) that didn’t last for very long but will probably be one time in my life that I truly regret that it happened for many reasons because of the things that I did/didn’t do while we were together.

We eventually stopped talking and I pushed him out of my memory. I still have pictures with him but I don’t have any feelings, positive or negative, when I look at them. They are just photos now.

One of the reasons we stopped talking was because toward the end, things got very volatile. He would be abusive in the way he would talk to me and accuse me of things that I never did. He would threaten to kill himself and would threaten to break up with me on a daily basis. Then he would turn around and apologize profusely telling me he loved me and that he wanted to marry me.

I cut it off and didn’t talk to him for months, I even got my dad to block his number and made the effort to block his different email addresses and screen names because he would come up with new ones every day. But one day after all those months he contacted me and said he bought me a ring and wanted to be with me. I told him off and made it clear that I didn’t want anything to do with him. I think he got the hint at that point.

So, you would think that maybe after almost 10 years I’d be safe from hearing from him again, right?

Like an idiot, a few days ago I had clicked on my Facebook privacy settings and made my profile searchable by mistake and I CAN’T CHANGE IT BACK. Well, this morning, he comes back from the dead an sends me a message.

My first reaction when I saw that he sent me something was “Oh HELL no” and lots of eye rolling and giggling. His message was pretty harmless, but seriously. Why would he even assume that I’d want anything to do with him? I hold no grudges at this point because what’s done was done. But why?

I don’t want to catch up with him. In case he’s still a psychopath I’m not going to voluntarily tell him where I stay (although he could easily search me on google since I take up the whole first page and find out what city I live in).

I ended up writing this but I feel that I was a bit mean.

hey g,

i hope you realize that the way we ended our friendship/relationship and the last few times we communicated with each other so many years ago effectively confirmed the fact that i wouldn’t want any contact with you again.

if things have changed, that’s great, i’m happy for you. but i really have no interest in keeping in touch. if i did, i would have tried to find you a long time ago.

sorry to be so blunt, but i rather let you know than ignore your message and keep you wondering.

be well.

I don’t know what his motives are. Maybe he really does want to catch up. But why should I even entertain that? I would rather just let him know I have absolutely no interest instead of lead him to believe that we could be friends or even acquaintances. And if I ignored his message that would leave me open to receiving another communication from him in the future.

He was so abusive in the past that I really don’t think he could have changed without professional help or medication and that he is just as toxic as he was so long ago. He should have thought about that or realized that I shouldn’t be sought out. He can’t just ignore how fucked up he was before and think that time will wash that away. Well, it has taken away the feeling of resentment and anger I had (and at one point, fear for my physical safety), but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten what he had done and was capable of.

Just stay in the past, man. Stay in the past. Let’s just hope he doesn’t reply with something weird.

Doubting the legitimacy of certain friendships. Just because I can’t come and hang out all the time doesn’t mean I don’t care and should be pushed aside. Sometimes I feel that by the time I get my life together enough to enjoy it, my “friends” won’t be around to enjoy it with me.

I’m gaining weight. Well, I’m not actually gaining anything since every time I’ve weighed myself I seem to be maintaining the same weight give or take half a pound. I notice it when I see myself in the mirror. When I first got here my hip bones would slightly peek out, my wrists were a little more delicate, my fingers were slimmer, my jawline and cheekbones more prominent and now it’s harder to see. I’ve gotten some padding.

It’s weird feeling this way because when I weighed 175 I was oblivious to my weight and thought I looked good. But now I see myself and I don’t like that I don’t look the way I did when I left New York. I still have an overall good feeling about myself, but I am much more conscious of what my body can look like and I don’t want to lose it.

It’s hard for someone like me to maintain how my figure looks because naturally I’m very lazy and my body is very receptive to inaction. In New York I had to walk no matter what, but this city demands that you sit on your ass at all times and that is not healthy at all. I am keeping track of what I eat and try to took for myself when time permits, which is why I’m at least staying the same weight, but the life I’m leading here is extremely sedentary. I am losing muscle mass instead of fat.

I can’t wait to move into our new apartment. We got approved to move into this shiny new building in Midtown! It’s a little more in rent than what we were paying in NY but the amenities available to us as well as the location make it worth it. Not to mention that we will be the first people ever in the unit! I am actually looking forward to making use of the gym and pool because I have absolutely no excuse to not work out since the facilities are in my building.

Technically, X will be the only one moving in. I will visit every other day  until we finally tie the knot. We still haven’t set a date yet, but it’s looking like end of May or some time in June. Why am I not moving in right away even though we lived together in New York? Because over here it will be harder to escape the ever judging/gossiping presence of the desi community. I personally don’t give a fuck, but I do care about my parents, and they care about keeping up appearances or what have you so we are keeping it halal. We’ll be married soon enough anyway. Plus, the time spent apart makes our hang out time even better.

Oh yes, let’s not forget some important news. X met my parents and my brother. They all seem to like him and he likes them. I honestly had no idea what to expect when I walked with him through the door of my parents’ house but I was very pleasantly surprised. My hands were shaking because I was so nervous, but once I saw that everything was going well I calmed down immediately. My dad had a lot of questions, but X was on a roll and made a great impression on everyone.

I’m also starting to look for full-time work as a designer. I have the best resume I’ve ever had in my life (yes, I paid for someone to write it) and am currently reworking my portfolio to show more of my newer work. Over here we can’t be late or strike a deal with the landlord so a steady check is absolutely necessary.

One of my current clients keeps mentioning that they are thinking of putting me on a retainer, which would be amazing as I’d never have to go to work, but I cannot wait around hoping that they will actually go through with it. Maybe if I tell them I’m on the hunt for a job they will get their asses into action! They keep telling me after every completed project how good I am. So good in fact that one of the ad networks they’re on had to tell them to tell me to not make their materials look so good (“best we’ve ever seen” good!) because the ads are making the other people on the network look terrible. HAHA! No kidding. After that I was actually instructed to make things look shitty. Which was, quite surprisingly, really hard.

Whether or not I get the retainer, I will still continue to work with them because they are the people that have kept me afloat when times were rough and the work given is very easy to take care of since the project manager and I seem to have some kind of mind-meld where I design exactly what she wants in the first try with very minor revisions.

Anyhow. I’ve got to get back to work. I am so close with this portfolio!!! My eyes aren’t focusing properly and I have to stay up all night. Again. Luckily I passed out on the couch for a few hours by mistake this afternoon so tonight’s long haul wont be as excruciating as last night (I hope!)

Idea for wedding bands. Thoughts? Left is for X, right is for me.

Too much!

Listen.

If there is anyone upset that they found out about my move or marriage through here or a mutual friend instead of from me, don’t be. I’m not saying that there is, I don’t know, but I’m sure I’d be a little upset if a person I considered a close friend didn’t keep me in the loop about something like this.

I haven’t told anyone outside of my immediate family (brother, parents), my friends in New York since I obviously wouldn’t be seeing them again any time soon and friends that I have met in person since I’ve gotten back. No one else.

I refuse to let any family know just yet because I don’t want the word to spread like wildfire. The news can drop here at 2pm and travel around the world and come back to my parents within hours or less. And then there will be phone calls with aunties wanting to know more or *gasp* wanting to talk to me. No thank you!! I truly do not have time for that. I barely have time for myself!

I’m trying to keep this as low-key as possible. I want to talk to my friends more in-depth when I see them in person because I hate talking on the phone. That’s why I only mentioned it “publicly” on here and not on facebook, my other tumblr or twitter. The only people I really want to know already read this, but I will talk to them in person when the time comes.

The next few weeks for me are going to be so terribly grueling and packed with work and errands that I’m having a mini-freakout and I’m sitting here writing this instead of getting stuff done. I have to code four sites (and I’m not that as good at coding as I am at designing), finish designing six web pages, pull some banner ads out of my ass and look for apartments for early May move-in, find a good CPA that has experience with freelancers and small businesses to do our business and personal taxes or file an extension, look for rings that aren’t ostentatious like most brides seem to love, and shop for nice clothes for our court marriage and the mosque. That’s just me.
X has so much more to do and just thinking about that makes my head hurt.

This whole entry is me procrastinating on all the stuff I have to do. I wish X knew how to code so he could help me with that but even if he did, it would be more of a burden on him at this time and he doesn’t need that.

UUUUUGHHH maaaaannnn I just want to sleep forever and wake up to find that everything has magically been completed. If only.

Alright. I have to work. I must! After I make myself a cup of tea. Yes. Right to work!